Rejection Redux

Rejection is a little like Acid Reflux; …it just keeps coming back up, especially when you lie down at night and try to sleep.

pain of rejectionRejection is the sort of thing no one wants to experience even once, let alone again and again. But for some folks, feeling like no one wants any part of you may seem standard fare. And it doesn’t feel very good when that lump of humiliation sticks in your throat.

If this situation feels like you might own it, then there is the possibility that the word “seems” could mean there may be a perception problem in your social interactions—and perhaps you only “think” that others are rejecting you when actually most folks around us are so completely self-absorbed that if you aren’t a mirror or their iphone, you simply aren’t going to be seen by them no matter what you do.

Then there is the other evidential possibility that for some unknown (or even known) reason, you are being avoided and pushed aside like yesterday’s fashion. For that possibility, you may need a little more research on WHY this might be happening to you.

However, if it is in Junior High or even High School that these rejections are occurring, then being ostracized or avoided is not that unusual as during that time period everyone is trying to discover their own identity, and yet still fit in with similar-acting or -looking kids. Those in adolescence who fail to conform to the rules of “popularity” are often ridiculed or made to feel sub-human. That doesn’t make it right—it just makes it normal.

It was SO normal when I was a teen, that Janis Ian even wrote a song about it way back when that made her an easy million dollars if not more, over the years, called “At Seventeen.” She’s even on Wikipedia—check her out. I’ll put the lyrics on here and every time you think you’re being reduced to an afterthought by another whiney-voiced, snob sneering, “Who are you anyway?” then you just listen to Janis Ian’s song and think: “Yeah, and she made a wad out of that whole rejection-thing. She laughed all the way to the bank, and still IS laughing because Oldies stations are still playing the song once in awhile.”

In other words, Janis Ian made that nasty, humiliating, adolescent character-building, rejection-experience work for her. And so can you.

“At number oneSeventeen

I learned the truth at seventeen, That love was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear skinned smiles Who married young and then retired.
The valentines I never knew, The Friday night charades of youth,
Were spent on one more beautiful. At seventeen I learned the truth.

And those of us with ravaged faces Lacking in the social graces
Desperately remained at home, Inventing lovers on the phone
Who called to say – Come dance with me, And murmured vague obscenities.
It isn’t all it seems, …at seventeen.

A brown-eyed girl in hand-me-downs,Whose name I never could pronounce
Said – Pity please the ones who serve They only get what they deserve.
The rich-relationed hometown queen, Marries into what she needs
With a guarantee of company And haven for the elderly.

So remember those who win the game Lose the love they sought to gain,
In debentures of quality and dubious integrity. Their small-town eyes will gape at you
In dull surprise when payment-due Exceeds accounts-received, at seventeen.

To those of us who knew the pain Of valentines that never came,
And those whose names were never called When choosing sides for basketball.
It was long ago and far away The world was younger than today,
When dreams were all they gave for free To ugly duckling girls like me.

We all play the game, and when we dare We cheat ourselves at solitaire.
Inventing lovers on the phone, Repenting other lives unknown,
That call and say – Come on, dance with me And murmur vague obscenities
At ugly girls like me, …..at seventeen.”

Janis is now nearing retirement. I bet as she sits back and counts all her money, she thanks ALL THOSE happy faceJERKS she once knew in adolescence for that rich portfolio of song-writing material created back then.

Rejection is never fun, but it’s okay. It just makes it easier to see your own unique beauty.

Look at the smile on her face now.

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Proving Our Worth or Worthiness

Worth and worthiness are similar yet different, but why you would have to prove either of them is far more interesting.

Worth implies “value”—such as, what is your value to a company, to a situation, to others near you, or even to yourself?

But worthiness implies “deserve-ability”—how much do you deserve to be valued?

The latter consideration is far more subjective and judgmental, than actuamoney rolll.

For instance, let’s say you are in late-stages of hiring consideration for a particular job. Despite how negotiable you might believe your future salary to be, Human Resources in most companies have already defined the payment range allowed for that particular job title in that region of the country. They already know what they expect and are willing to pay for that new hire.

When a company considers hiring new staff for any position within that company, HR and management already have a pay-grade allowance defined for the next hire, and they usually hire low on the scale, rather than high. To be offered additional incentives beyond that pre-existing financial determination would be unusual and denote extraordinary circumstances to “merit” such consideration.

At that point, they would go beyond considering your “worth” to the company. They would also consider your worthiness to be given special consideration and additional financial rewards. What makes YOU so special that you deserve that additional financial consideration?

In this situation, to the hiring company your worthiness of special consideration then trumps your recognized worth to them.

What does it mean to you?

Well, beyond all the management-speak above, it may mean your “special consideration” depends on how well you can sell yourself and your abilities to deliver what that company most wants and needs from you.

Or it might mean how extensive and substantial your track record for doing the job already is.

Or it might even mean how much do you value yourself and your time that you might consider selling your efforts for less than you know that you deserve?

In general, women tend to undervalue themselves, and men tend to overvalue themselves. So it often comes down to self-respect and self-appreciation issues within the person. HR departments are well aware of women’s more vulnerable self-value issues.

That doesn’t mean that any candidate is unworthy of special consideration, but it does mean that their “worthiness” to the company is dependent on a number of factors including self-appreciation issues.

In relationships, it plays out in a different way. Consider your significant other or friend to be like the HR manager of the hiring company. Throughout the duration of your relationship they are assessing you for your worth and worthiness to be associated with them, but here, your worth means your value to them—how they consider you in relation to filling their personal needs and wants.

But your worthiness in this situation is not really theirs to consider, it is totally dependent on you!

In a relationship with anyone, you should not have to sell yourself—you should simply have to BE YOURSELF.

Likewise, track-records mean little to nothing in relationships because the choice is yours to learn from your previous mistakes or to continue making them. Just don’t expect a different result if you keep making the same mistakes.

The self-appreciation aspect is absolutely KEY in any relationship, because if you don’t value yourself and support yourself in whatever endeavor you do undertake, then don’t expect the other person to pick up the slack and indefinitely keep feeding your neediness for external support. It just won’t happen. Emotional support neediness gets old fast in any relationship.

If you can’t fully believe in yourself and respect yourself despite your perceived imperfections, don’t expect anyone else to do so. That’s not how the world works and it’s not how you are meant to function.

You have to be your own best friend and your most ardent supporter, whether it is in the workplace, in the classroom, or in the home. Your true self-worth and worthiness are never in doubt. You deserve the best possible life and the best possible friends and close associations. Don’t settle for less than that.

Believe in yopraph quoteourself—value yourself. If others aren’t yet seeing your worth to them, then it is THEIR blindness, because your true value is already established.

But if you doubt your “worthiness” to be loved and valued by others, then that’s totally on you not them.

Then it isn’t their blindness that you need to be concerned with. It’s your own.

Those Morning-Mirror Reflections

There you are, staring long into your own changing face, somewhere between thoughts of what was and what might have been, a new thought arose: What is yet to bmirror-self-reflection-imagee?

That is how we properly start this day and any other—focusing on the yet to be aspect.

The mirror shows many things: a hazy reflection of who is standing directly before it or depending on the angle of view, it could be a distant horizon as seen reflected from the nearby window.

But neither reflection is the real thing. They are simply stand-ins—assimilations of trueness. That is the problem with facing the morning mirror: when we look dreary-eyed into it, we believe the reflection seen before us to be our actual reality. When the 2-dimensional mirror surface becomes our stand-in for self-image, we are limiting our own potential for greatness.

Representatives of the real thing are imposters—merely static icons of objects, concepts and attitudes. When you see a representative image, you may see what it meant to you in the past, including comparing your present reflection to a more youthful remembrance of you; or you may even wince at the reflection, feeling still-lingering barbs of hurtful things others may have once said.

Or the face staring back at you in that cold, reflective surface, may be questioning your decisions from a distant yesterday, or perhaps displaying unhappiness over your less-than-stellar present.

Wavering self-images are always in flux and dependent on our moods and supportive associations. That’s why the morning mirror sees us as we tend to see ourselves at that time: looking our worst, slightly out of focus, and still searching for something that we aren’t quite achieving. We may even see our entire history playing out in every facial line of disappointment or uncertainty staring back at us.

But when you think about it, the mirror doesn’t represent your past at all, because you are no longer in the past. The mirror’s reflection simply shows this momentary appearance of you here and now, and then woops, …it is the next here and now, …and then the next.

Breathe in, ..breathe out, …and we are changed beings. We are not the same breathing vessel that once stored oxygen molecules in our expanding lungs, and then exchanged them for carbon dioxide waste molecules expelling from our nostrils and lips just a few seconds after that.

Every breath is a new one, and every moment that we breathe is a new moment of lifea new opportunity to see with new eyes, to hear with new ears, and to think with new thoughts.

As you are SO well aware, that YOU that you see in the mirror today, is not the same YOU that you saw yesterday. Nor is it the same YOU who looked in the mirror a week ago or a year ago, or longer.

Today, the mirror shows a representative snapshot of the YOU in this moment in time. But the snapshot is hardly the mechanism that took it, or the eyes that now view it.

The mirror image is NOT you. It is merely a visual representation of one momentary appearance, followed by another, and another, and another…

Why is this important?

Well, for instance, if you look in the mirror now and you like what you see, you might smile.

However, if you aren’t pleased with the view, you might not; and then just an arm’s length away, the face staring back at you begins to frown and what you actually see is your own disapproval with yourself—possibly full of self-condemnation and even self-loathing.

But, on the other hand, what happens if you can look into that mirror every morning hereafter, and by withholding those more critical, inner judgments, say, “Good morning, you gorgeous creature. I’m so glad to see that you are still here and ready to set the world on fire today!”

Then smile at yourself, because you know that whatever actually happens during this day, you will handle it to the very best of your ability—because that’s just how you operate. You always give your best! And that’s plenty good enough.

Perhaps you could also then lean in and whisper to yourself before leaving the mirror: “Yes, we are operating incognito for now, but under this carefully-camouflaged, external appearance meant to hide my True potential from the rest of a jealous world, is the real meready for action, aimed at achieving great feats of excellence, and firing on all cylinders to get those jobs done!”

Then slip into your Super-Man or Super-Woman underwear, and fold your freshly-washed cape into your briefcase, adjust your tie or skirt for maximum effect, and you’re ready to meet the day ahead.

With a little positive self-talk (and a few wardrobe props), you can nod with full acceptance at the mirrored reflection before you, knowing that whatever imperfection you once detected, only revealed the true depth of your character; and that still-visible wrinkle, blemish, or scar on your face represents a hard-won badge of honor for still being alive to fight (or love) another day.

BE the Peace

 “You can say it’s because of a global shift in consciousness, a destiny we have arrived at due to spiritual evolution, or the outcome of strange times, but, many people all across the globe are going through intense personal strangenss imagechanges and sensing an expansion of consciousness. Personal changes of this magnitude can be difficult to recognize and to understand” Christina Sarich

Art by Kathleen Farago

Yes, … “difficult to recognize and understand.” I saw this image and blurb on my Facebook page this morning, and since it definitely applies to what I’ve been recently writing; how we’re all going through this shake up and revamp now—just in our own ways, I thought I’d share it here with you.

Changes are happening all around us now and to us. We are evolving. We are adapting. We are shifting higher in consciousness, and it’s not an easy process, by any sense of the word.

But it is a necessary one.

For myself, I find that one of the hardest things to do daily is to hold my own center—to stay focused on my highest intentions to be at peace and stay there. I’m not always successful in doing that, but I make it my daily intention every morning.

So how can we stay at peace when the world around us is so chaotic?

Here are a few suggestions to help you find that safe-haven of inner calmness and serenity:

  1. Reduce or eliminate external sources of havoc and turmoil from your environment. That does not mean hiring a hit on your neighbor for his racket with cars, lawn mowers, leaf blowers, weed whackers, etc.. (Try a good set of headphones—they work wonders.) It means control what you CAN control: television, radio, who you hang with, who you talk to, where you go, what you do, …those types of things that are determined daily by YOU. You have control of those things.
  2. Get out in nature more. Take nature walks, sit on the Earth and meditate, enjoy the beautiful weather while it is still beautiful. Listen to the birds singing, and wind moving through the leaves in the trees above your head. Take a canoe or kayak onto a lake and just let the gentle ripples rock you like a mother rocks a newborn baby, so gently and lovingly. Feel held by the water or the earth. Feel more a part OF your environment—rather than apart from it.
  3. Develop an early morning meditation ritual. Set a regular time daily to simply get quiet inside. Be the peace you wish to see and feel in the world.
  4. Find physical outlets for your energy. Try walking or running, attend gyms or workout groups, but if your focus is on feeling more at peace within yourself, you might find that more isolated activities, where you aren’t sharing/balancing the energies of others in the process, makes it easier to hold your own center.
  5. Develop an ‘attitude of gratitude.’ A few years back, a lady popularized keeping a daily gratitude journal of all the things that she was grateful for in her life; and she found that in doing so, her entire perspective shifted from one of dread to joy. JOY is GOOD! Joy brings a sense of contentment and peace. We all need more joy in our lives.

Change is change. It just is. We are changing. Don’t let yourself be the end result of someone else’s anger or unhappiness.

BE the peace that you wish to see in the world. Hold your center frequency high, and stay there.

High-ground Perspective

“High above the valley, crouched on a peak concealing any view from below, the lookout squinted into the morning sun, watching the early activity in the intruder’s camp far, far beneath him. From this secluded perch, he could see miles in all directions—see what was coming before it got there—allowing preparation time for his fellow band of tribesmen.”

ImageFor every century over the last 10,000 years, the above scenario could have been written as factual documentation, instead of fiction—it existed anywhere there were intruders into someone else’s home region, with regional tribesmen claiming that territory as their own.

For all, the high-ground gives perspective advantage over those who have more limited range of vision. It’s a tactic utilized by surveillance scouts and snipers in present-day military units. But with the present-day use of drones and satellite surveillance, there are simply fewer eyes squinting into the sun and fewer bodies in camouflaged garb hiding behind the rocks.

In more philosophical terms, when someone refers to that high-ground perspective, it is often called moral superiority—a place of higher ethical and professional standards of consideration and conduct—of one being capable of seeing the “bigger picture.”

What high-ground perspective actually may be is subject to individual interpretation; but overall, it refers to perceiving a situation from a more distant and longer-range vantage point—where consequences of all subsequent actions are first weighed and assessed before proceeding appropriately.

So much of our present world-wide energetic chaos makes it difficult to achieve that high-ground perspective to see what is approaching in the distance so we can more appropriately prepare for it. All we can tell at present is that everything is one big mess.

And the drones and satellites can’t really scope out this dilemma, because it is often a moral issue, and a ‘trust’ issue, and an “only time will tell” outcome. It’s a test of being true to our own inner beliefs on what is right for ourselves and for others; as well as a test of how well we can hold inner peace in the midst of combative environments, around and even within us.

Change is change. It comes, it affects, and it leaves everything and everyone different in its wake.

If we can perceive the situation around us from that high-ground vantage point to see what awaits us in the distance and to prepare for that inevitability, then we at least feel that we have some advance notice of what to expect in the future.

But when we can’t see that far ahead or that far afield, then we can only take what occurs when it occurs. And that is perhaps the hardest aspect—to let go of any apprehension within us, and simply allow the situation to unfold as it will, because larger forces of change seem to be at work in the process.

I’ve been talking about the energies of chaos and change for some time now, because that’s the energies that have been engulfing us for months, and some would say, years.

So how do YOU handle change—especially intense change? I think many of us would prefer to handle it better than we are at present.

For doing that, my suggestion would be to take a deep breath, re-center yourself, do some meditation on feeling at peace; and then ask yourself what you really want in your life. Once you determine ‘what you really want in your life,’ then make that your focus. Let the rest of the world sort through whatever is happening in whatever way it needs to happen, and simply focus on your personal goals, by staying as calm and centered as you possibly can.

Take that high-ground perspective and see what there is to see when you can see it, but when you can’t see that far into the future, then simply wait patiently until there is actually something to see.